You ever been to church and felt like the preacher was talking to you directly and just felt like everything he said was what you needed to hear? That's how I was on Sunday. Don't get it twisted, I'm far from a saint, but I do try to go to church when I can. Naturally for Valentine's Day every church message was revolved around love. I'm used to hearing the "love is/love is not" sermon every year; however, I was happily surprised this year!
The message was about loving yourself and God before attempting to love anyone else. He went on to say how you should let yourself know how much you appreciate you instead of waiting for someone else to validate how special you are. Most people don't know this but for the longest time, I was extremely insecure. I'm almost positive I know where this deep rooted issue started, but I won't go into details. Anyway, all my life people have told me how attractive I was, smart, etc but it just wasn't enough. I needed those compliments to make me feel better about myself. I had this CONSTANT yearning to be in a relationship, just to feel loved and appreciated by someone... anyone.
As a result I got the short end of the stick in every relationship. I was giving more to my past partners than they were giving me. Not just materialistically, but from the heart. See I didn't appreciate myself, so I put all my time and energy into someone else so they would appreciate me. At the end of the day, I ended up worse off than I started! I learned the hard way that no one will love you if you don't love yourself. Now I'm not saying that I wasn't loved, but how could I expect for others to go out their way for me if I didn't even believe I was worth it?? It began to feel normal for me to NOT get the best out of relationships. In my mind, at least I was in one and I had someone to love me...
It turned into a cycle, where I was settling for way less than I deserved then I would realize I deserved more. But because I didn't love ME fully, I continued to revert back to all I knew. In this process, I was only tearing myself down even more. All because I was trying to love someone else before I even loved me. Now here I am, I guess in this "rebuilding stage", where I'm finding myself. Sounds typical, but I'm doing things that I love to do. Focusing on things I love for ME. No longer will I put someone else before me, or wait for someone else to approve of my next move. I no longer need to be validated... I write my own credentials!
I'm not one to get personal, nor did I write this to throw shade at anyone else. But I KNOW there's someone else who is wearing these shoes I once wore. Please take them off. Don't keep waiting for someone else to validate your importance in the world. You are somebody, no matter who tells you any different. God has a plan for each and every one of us. Put him first and you second, and let the rest grab a number and jump in line. When the time is right, God will pick the right number for you ;)